Memories...

"Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don’t do it usually
But dear Lord she’s dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream"


My dad is a good man...
He work hard for the family, work long donkey hours, work 7 days a week, work till he is so skinny....'
But he never complain, never ask from us for anything... he never could earn enough, most of his bussiness weren't sucessfully enough... yet he continue to work and work... his hands were scarred from the years of hot oil scald, hot water & steam.... fingers wrinkle from toil.... his back hunch....

I thought that now we have all grow up and are working we can give him a good life, but he still have to go and look for job at his age because what we gave him every month is not enough... i wonder why do i bothering saving for future when he will be taken from us so soon....

Even when he was jobless for the last year till now, he was actively looking for new job and upgrading his skill, going for bus driver interview, courses and everything... doing housework when he was at home and buying our grocery for the family, preparing out meals and helping me cook for my friend's party and all.... fixing the tap when it leak, trying new recepie, replenishing our toiletries.... even when he had to spend that little money which we gave for him for himself on the family....

Yet I could still go out and eat at some posh resturant, buying stuff that doesn't really count as necessarities... buy new clothes when he didn't had any new clothes for so long... new shoes when he got only get for himself cheap slippers... the wallet that he had was so old... he never complain about it to us... we never take the initiative to get for him...

He never left any last word for us, any last instructions... when i saw his last possession of only a few dollars amounting to less than $10, it really broke my heart... when i had enough to spend and he doesn't have enough... to get a job that required him to cycle late at night to get to his workplace, alone, late in the night, with so little money... to be gone alone without seeing us for the last time...

To be never be able to watch his dvds on a dvd player that i plan to get for him, to never be able to tell him how much we love him, to ask him have he eaten again, to tell him that i'm going out and hear he say bye bye and xiao xin yi dian again... to never be able to eat his cooked food, to eat at the same table with him again, to listen to him talking nonsense, the way of life, the government, the news.... never be able to watch him again as he sleep... never able to see his assuring and warm smile....

Never be able to see me get married... see his grandchildren... never be able to enjoy his old age life in joy without working so hard and worrying about money.... i have never gave him a better life than my dad deserve.... i have not been there for him at his last moment... i pray for my family every time i go to temple, never asking for money or anything... just praying for their well-being and that they will be healthy because i know they are not young anymore... and this happen...

I'm sorry that i had to let them do the post-mortem on you...
Not be able to wear for you your clothes for the last time....
To let u in the dark tunnel alone...
That we couldn't afford to put you on that 5th floor with air-con...

There is so much to say to you dad....

I pray that my dad will finally have his share of good fortunate and happiness and rest in peace.....


Goodbye... Dad...