Complicated!

The world we live in, the human socialology, the environment, the interaction we had on our surrounding... it's complicated. The intangible stuff like, love, friendship, emotions, sanity, I.Q, E.Q, luck... It's getting complicated. Why are these things here... what's our purpose? What are we going for? Wealth, love, power.... whatever... have you an idea? Goals we call them... what if it's not always going to stay the same way?

My little insignificant wish is to find my true love. Been on it ever since i was a small kid, inspire by television shows, articles, newspaper, true life story. Went thru 7 relationship before i got here. Can i make it? What are the follow-up now that i got another shot at it? Probably my last shot.. Can i make the cut? I'm unique... definitely not "specially good" like you-know-who. I tried to be the best... till now i don't think i'm that good yet. I'm fragile, yet i seek ways to strengthen myself. Alone on my Island, i know they say no's man an island... my past mould me into one. I don't talk to anyone about my problems. It's not because i'm selfish, not many people understand me. Sometimes i don't even understand myself.

It's complicated. In simple words i'm not a good guy, i never say i am... but that doesn't mean i'll ill-treat you, hurt you, treat you like garbage. I strieve to do what's good, sometimes i screw it up, i don't deny, i blow up, i make things worse... i blurt out what i don't really mean. I'm such a failure i suppose. I don't wan to give it up. Sometimes i don't feel anything... it's like my world close in, i feel like i'm in a world of my own.. and i can't get out. Why such implications on my little punty inner self? Maybe i'm not strong enough... I can't get over things as fast as some can... my temper's bad.. i'm trying to improve... don't really think it did...

Why? I'm too weak i think... People are afraid of me sometimes i know... afraid of my temper... i'm not such a devil that i'll suck out your soul. I know i got to change... i need to get out... but i don't know if i really should... i might not "save" myself as i plunge into the unknown... the unforeseen future... i need to be stronger, more in control of myself... i hone myself into something too deadly.. too offensive.. i shine now and then... but not enough i guess... the side still blows in me... the dark memories of what i went thru in my previous relationship. The pain when it's over X 7! So what... here i am again, i wan to make the cut - i wan you to be truely happy with me. I wan to do so much for you, yet i can't... yet i'm not given enough to accomplish it. I lack the skill, i just a human with flaws... but i didn't just wan to be another "one", i wan to be happy just like what i'm trying to be... in my dream...

So many sad songs, so many sad story... i'm really confused.. it's complicated... how can i make it happen for my our fairy tale to have a "happily ever after" tagline? i thought i'm mature... too killer instinct... too weak to stand firm on my happiness... to weak to fight my anger... build up over the years, i just wan to be happy, just wan you to be happy, just wan us to be happy together... is it too much to ask for?... How can i ever be the one for you? And it's our EiGhTh MoNtHs anniversary tomorrow....

Happy 8th Months Princess...

Wan you to be have happiness no matter what...

You're the most important person in my life :)