Complicated!

The world we live in, the human socialology, the environment, the interaction we had on our surrounding... it's complicated. The intangible stuff like, love, friendship, emotions, sanity, I.Q, E.Q, luck... It's getting complicated. Why are these things here... what's our purpose? What are we going for? Wealth, love, power.... whatever... have you an idea? Goals we call them... what if it's not always going to stay the same way?

My little insignificant wish is to find my true love. Been on it ever since i was a small kid, inspire by television shows, articles, newspaper, true life story. Went thru 7 relationship before i got here. Can i make it? What are the follow-up now that i got another shot at it? Probably my last shot.. Can i make the cut? I'm unique... definitely not "specially good" like you-know-who. I tried to be the best... till now i don't think i'm that good yet. I'm fragile, yet i seek ways to strengthen myself. Alone on my Island, i know they say no's man an island... my past mould me into one. I don't talk to anyone about my problems. It's not because i'm selfish, not many people understand me. Sometimes i don't even understand myself.

It's complicated. In simple words i'm not a good guy, i never say i am... but that doesn't mean i'll ill-treat you, hurt you, treat you like garbage. I strieve to do what's good, sometimes i screw it up, i don't deny, i blow up, i make things worse... i blurt out what i don't really mean. I'm such a failure i suppose. I don't wan to give it up. Sometimes i don't feel anything... it's like my world close in, i feel like i'm in a world of my own.. and i can't get out. Why such implications on my little punty inner self? Maybe i'm not strong enough... I can't get over things as fast as some can... my temper's bad.. i'm trying to improve... don't really think it did...

Why? I'm too weak i think... People are afraid of me sometimes i know... afraid of my temper... i'm not such a devil that i'll suck out your soul. I know i got to change... i need to get out... but i don't know if i really should... i might not "save" myself as i plunge into the unknown... the unforeseen future... i need to be stronger, more in control of myself... i hone myself into something too deadly.. too offensive.. i shine now and then... but not enough i guess... the side still blows in me... the dark memories of what i went thru in my previous relationship. The pain when it's over X 7! So what... here i am again, i wan to make the cut - i wan you to be truely happy with me. I wan to do so much for you, yet i can't... yet i'm not given enough to accomplish it. I lack the skill, i just a human with flaws... but i didn't just wan to be another "one", i wan to be happy just like what i'm trying to be... in my dream...

So many sad songs, so many sad story... i'm really confused.. it's complicated... how can i make it happen for my our fairy tale to have a "happily ever after" tagline? i thought i'm mature... too killer instinct... too weak to stand firm on my happiness... to weak to fight my anger... build up over the years, i just wan to be happy, just wan you to be happy, just wan us to be happy together... is it too much to ask for?... How can i ever be the one for you? And it's our EiGhTh MoNtHs anniversary tomorrow....

Happy 8th Months Princess...

Wan you to be have happiness no matter what...

You're the most important person in my life :)

Rainbow Heaven...

How can a mood change so fast in time... from happy to sad to anger to no emotion... Mood swing? Mood swing is it like this? Changes from one to another with no reasons? I don't get it either. Is it a problem with me or? I'm so sick of always being the problem. I tried not to be one... maybe i'm born with it. Sometimes i really hate the world so much...

Said something that i told myself i'll never say it... no matter what... what the hell it came out so unbelievely naturally. I hate it... really... how could i say that... is it a sign? I don't an this to be diffcult for you.... there's no joy or purpose in it... it's not what i intended... why can't i be, do, make what i want to in real life? I feel so xin hui yi leng... it's such a sickening feeling... is it never meant for me to be?

It's like the rainbow... u can see it but never touch it... never find it touching the solid ground... a dream built in air.... gone with the wind... maybe that's why i'm the wind... i'm not tamable... i don't know why... It hurts to hear that from someone that you want her to be happy with you... how can she be happy if she feels hard at times with you? I'm the reasons again... somehow this doesn't feel nice.... can i really be the one?

Where's the rainbow and heaven anyway? Who's the angel? Who can guide me? Is it myself? Just me... again? So coolz... then... i'll do it my way... everythings like past flash back... Maybe i can't really make my wish come true... no matter what i hope you'll be happy... really... may you find the rainbow that i may never find....

Going Desaru soon!!

Today is thursday. Saturday i'm going Desaru with my little sweetie... hee hee.. so exciting... But before that, on friday i had my B13 test so sianz!

Been studying alot lately... think i'm going mad... Aye Captain Jack Sparrow... savvy? And oh, yes, i watch pirates 2 already! Heh... pls go watch it's very nice... Jack is so amazing.. haha... no no ... i'm not gay... i just like the character. Heh... we watch it on a saturday midnight.. the next day sweetie still had to go meet her friends. I can retreat home and rest. It was damn tiring... haha... poor sweetie so poor thing... heh... but she had fun at hard rock... without me so sad.. sob sob...

There's another reason to be happy today... sweetie went w**ing.. so coolz... heh... yeah! Oh oh.. and it's pay day.. heh... suppose to be a pay increment... but i'm getting lesser pay instead as i'm buying my company shares...

Heh.. Looking Forward to Saturday!!!

Baby I'm Sorry!!!

Baby i'm sorry.... pls don't be angry with me already k? I feel bad.... love you always my love...

A SlacK DaY

Today damn suay... had to reach khatib and at the waiting point for jimmy then start to rain... hai wo had to apply for urgent leave since i can't get there in time...

What a way to waste my leave.. finally i use until reach this year's leave liao... sad.. no choice.. think i had to see the weather earlier next time. I sleep til noon today. What a day man... raining and so shiok to be in bed... it's like a dream come true.. i'm such a slacker... heh.. I dun wan be slacker...

Think i'm getting all stress up with too many things to study.. 3 papers in all... haiz.. envy my sisters who can slack and dun have to worry about the future... just do whatever they wan and work as they like... haiz... dun know what will happen to her in the future... i'm always presented with unpleasant surprises...

Just like yesterday, my sister engaged a plumber to fix the tap... damn butcher plumber... 180 dollars for fixing a lousy tap... somemore he say it's 280... damn... wait til i complain to the CASE! But my sis nv take anything from him.. no company name.. no recepie.. wah.. win liao... i'm now 60 bucks poorer.. haiz... next month my pay increase but my wallet not getting fatter instead it's thinner as i'm buying ST shares... no choice had to plan for the future.. haiz.. 10% of my monthly pay...

Well there's still things to look forward to like my August national day bonus! Heh.. i MUST save this liao.. cannot spend it anyhow... my progress package is bye bye liao.. haha.. but it's money well spent. Thanks government - that i can buy the presents for my darling princess... haha.. if not i think i'll be so damn broke...

Major Updates!

It's been son long since had been typing my blog.. pretty upset with my resolution to write every night... i'm so weak... Been feeling sickly lately and making my sweetie worried... sorry baby... heh... not your fault k...

Let's start with some major events that took place since i last wrote 2 weeks ago. On 25th June, Da jie held her wedding with Leonard! The Bride and the Groom are so pretty ah... make for each another. I wish them happiness in their new Union!... Long lasting love forever! Need the photos sweetie! Heh... i still haven't had them yet... lol.. anyway didn't manage to take photo with the bride and groom... and not much photo with my love as she is so busy.. running all over the place.. poor princess...

Last saturday the girls had a pre-birthday celebration at Crystal Jade and Winebar. o photos too.. heh... haha... you can visit my princess blog as she had post some photos there. Heh... My princess is so pretty... heh.. really... That must had been our third times at there in a week i think... heh.. so many times of crystal jade! Heh.. we try out the cold chicken noodle dish with Joshua.. just nice for 3 people.... My baby is so sweet... heh... Then we went winebar where we proceed to drink... as you can guess by now... heh... my poor baby is so hot and red.. and of course still as beautiful as ever... Heh... can't tell you what happen when we reach outside her house.. heh.. since she didn't mention maybe i shouldn't too... heh... Happy Early Birthday my baby! Best wishes... really really hope you had a wonderful birthday and everything going smoothly for you.... Love you baby!